class: LA 202
instructor: Trista Martin
student: Siobhan Travers
"A Turtle in the Sun "
When I woke up on January 17, 1985, I thought it was going to be just another day. I didn't know that there was a trend of European diplomats adopting Russian orphans. I didn't know that there was a family downstairs that was to take a child home right away. I didn't know that later that day the dream I had given up on was going to come true.
The orphanage for disabled children outside of Moscow was all that I had ever known. I don't know why I ended up there. Maybe my parents just couldn't afford me. Maybe they had died in some sort of accident. Maybe they just couldn't deal with a disabled child. I had stopped wondering about the reason a long time ago. The only way to survive was to stop wondering. You had to forget your past and not dream about the future. So I pushed my dreams away and tried to be realistic. But I still dreamed sometimes. I dreamed about food that didn't have fuzzy mold on it and having a wool blanket in the winter. I dreamed about having someone to comfort me when I woke up screaming in pain. More than anything I dreamed of being loved by a "forever family".
At 9 years old, I had given up hope. I knew how it worked and I knew I was never going to leave. Any child going to be adopted at all was adopted before age seven. Any child older than that was either an athlete or really cute. I knew I didn't meet either of those requirements. I am almost completely blind and have cerebral palsy. With a twisted body, a floppy head and legs that may as well not be there, I wasn't cute. I was nowhere near athletic. I knew that I wasn't exactly someone's dream child.
That morning it was literally freezing, somewhere around 15 degrees below zero. The heat in the building seemed to be broken again. I fought waking up and facing another totally predictable day. I would be dressed, fed, and set on the freezing wooden floor until someone decided to move me and put me back to bed. Maybe someone would talk to me; maybe I would be alone all day. It depended on who was on staff that day.
I heard the sound of clacking shoes coming toward my room. It was Ana. I knew by the scraping sound, because Ana always walked on her heels. Ana was my favorite staff member. She knew how to dress me without causing me pain and how to feed me without making me choke. A lot of staff members would just shove my unwilling limbs into clothes that didn't always fit or shove food down my throat without waiting for me to swallow. But Ana was always gentle. Maybe that was why she was the only staff member I hadn't bitten, scratched or tried to knock out. Ana also read to me, tried to teach me to write by hand guiding and hugged me sometimes. In a building with over 200 children she was often my only human contact.
"Good morning Turtle, time to get dressed. You get a surprise later," Ana announced in Russian. She knew that I like to hear people coming near me. She helped me sit and began to dress me. It was a slow process since my body, as usual, didn't want to cooperate. The dress was stiff and scratchy and made my skin burn. The shoes were even worse. They were new and stiff, so I couldn't feel the holes to do the buckles. And I had to put on the horrible ankle braces that I hate with a passion first. I still don't understand how putting on extra metal was supposed to make it easier to stand. It never seemed to work for me.
"You look wonderful. The dress matches your eyes. It's blue, like the ocean." Ana always described things for me. Just because I couldn't see things didn't mean that I didn't want to know about my world. I knew about oceans. Ana had read about them with me in a book once. They were big and blue and carried people away from Russia in boats. Turtles lived in the ocean.
Ana began brushing my hair. My hair was the only good thing about me. It was down past my waist and I always wore it in a long plait. But brushing it took a long time ."So, someone is waiting for you downstairs."
I was shocked. Only the children being adopted went downstairs. There must be a mistake.
"Me?" I asked.
"Unless you know any other Turtles."
I just shook my head. Me? Why would they want me? Suddenly I thought of something. What if they didn't like my braces? I squirmed around, trying to kick them off. I jerked forward, causing Ana's comb to get stuck in my hair. I shrieked.
"I'll get them off." Ana guessed what I was trying to do. "Just let me finish."
When Ana had finished with my hair and removed the hated braces we went downstairs. Ana picked me up and carried me like a sack of potatoes. It was the only way that I could get down without scooting. Scooting would ruin my new dress.
When we got to the door Ana set me on the floor and walked into the room. I tried to listen in. I wanted to know what was going on. I could hear Ana, a female translator and a lady speaking a language I didn't know.
The lady said something I didn't understand. Then the translator repeated in Russian. Then Ana told the lady all my selling points. She said that I was really quiet and smart. I didn't walk much. I liked books and animals. "Oh, and her name is Turtle." I always hated that part. It felt like I was up for auction, an object, not a person. Suddenly I was nervous. What if they really didn't want me? What would happen when they realized I wasn't seven? What if they wanted a kid who wasn't as severely disabled as me? What if it really wasn't me they wanted? What if I had been brought down by mistake? There was more talking. Then: "I'll go get her."
I was being picked up and carried again, I guess because Ana didn't want to waste time trying to get me to stand. She plopped me in the middle of the floor in a heap. The lady stayed on the other side of the room. I heard her suck her breath in when she saw me. That didn't seem so promising.
I hoped that I was facing her. I wanted to show that I was the right choice. I tried to smile. I wanted to stand up and walk to her. Instead, I flopped over on my face. The translator laughed. I was confused and hurt and had a mouth full of carpet fluff. The fluff tasted like feet.
The lady said something that made the translator laugh again.
"Turtle is the perfect name. She looks just like a turtle in the sun."
Even I laughed at that. She was right. Lying on the floor with my arms moving and my head slightly lifted from the carpet I really did look like the turtles I had learned about. At least I assumed that I did.
At that moment the feeling in the room changed. The tension seemed to melt. Ana helped me back into a sitting position and held on to me. I probably would have balanced on my own really, but it was nice having her there for support.
"Hey Turtle, I'm Kathy." The translator spoke for her. "I want to take you home."
I didn't know how to respond. I smiled.
"So what do you like, Turtle?"
I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't know what I liked.
Kathy began to tell me about what would happen when I left. We would go on a plane to Europe. I would live in a big house with three brothers, a grandmother and a horse. As she spoke I could hear her voice getting closer. I wished that I understood her without the interpreter. Her voice was quiet, almost hypnotic.
Kathy continued. "There are dogs too. Do you like dogs?"
I nodded.
"Why don't you come over here?"
There it was. The thing I was worried about: the issue of standing up.
I just shook my head. I could feel tears in my eyes. I knew that I had just blown it. She wouldn't want me now. She had seemed so nice, too. Ana squeezed my shoulder.
"It's okay. Turtle, I know it's hard for you. Stay where you are." Kathy reassured me. She continued talking. She told me that she wasn't sure about how she could make me trust her and how she hoped that I would some time. I wanted her to know that I already did. There was something about her that made me feel safe. But going with Kathy would mean losing the only person I had ever trusted until that point.
Ana seemed to understand what I was going through. She told me to go ahead and go to Kathy.
Letting go of Ana, I crawled forward. Kathy was down on the floor with me. I suddenly realized that she had been crawling toward me. She had actually gotten down to my level. She had accepted me for who I was. I could feel her arms reach out and pull me forward. I knew when she hugged me that my dream would come true.